Remembering what comes first.

Hello all!

Just returned from Maundy Thursday mass at church. It was a starkingly haunting and beautiful mass.

During Gloria acclamation, when the bells rung out, it felt so much like SFX when I had my eyes closed.. It was so strange.. I felt sooooooooooo home sick when that happened.. It was a terror. I thought I was going to die of homesickness. : (

Throughout mass, I couldn't help but think how evil my Lent has been.. Broken my abstinence, missed mass, whatever you can think of.. I probably did it (Ok. maybe not so bad). I felt really horrible thinking of how I have failed Jesus, and how I was such a failure in being a Catholic. Everything that has got to do with my spiritual life wasn't exactly going right.

Then, during Homily, Fr Ray spoke about the lenten season, on how this period is for us to renew our Baptismal vows, and remind ourselves of our connection with Christ.. THat this being the Jewish New Year (Passover), it should be ours too, to renew our faith in Christ, and also to rejuvenate ourselves for the coming year.

There and then, it was obvious that it was a call to throw embrace my faults and learn from them. How I turned away when I was called, how I so easily forgot the importance of it all. It was pretty surreal.

Then after Mass, when we had the exposition at the Altar of repose, I went over to kneel and pray. When i closed my eyes, I swear it felt as if I was back in SFX, exactly as it was 1 year ago. It was so strange. My back started aching like hell, it was going crazy with pain, just like it was 1 year ago. I couldn't concentrate while praying, and it was horrible. I closed my eyes, and very very strangely, I felt as if I had Jeannette sitting to my right, and Betty on my left, exactly as it was 1 year ago.. I couldn't pray, and I also couldn't cry. All I had was pain.

Then 6 words came. Be Still, and know that I'm there.

You tell me how to not cry.

I have a strong feeling its going to be a great easter.

My back still hurts like mad, and i've decided to go see a doctor on monday (finally!).

Faith of Convenience or Inconvenient Faith?

Yesterday as i was laying in bed half awake, it dawned unto me how my faith may be out of convenience, serving God out of comfort and only to a limit where i am willing to. I realise that doing things that follows the church's norm may not realise its fullness if there is not transformation taking place in our hearts.

Going for sunday mass, saying my prayers at night, going for daily mass. Going for a bible study class or sharing group. Maybe talking to people abt God, or helping the poor. These above mention is Good in nature and in fact what we all shd do. But the question is, are we feeling comfortable with doing all these and getting too used to them? Meaning, are these "stuff" we do just out of convenience, out of our own comforts or even habits?

What really struck me was that am i getting too comfortable?! What is an Inconvenient Faith then? It is a faith that rips us apart! tears our garments and kills us! haha sounds scary? An inconvenient faith is one that challenges us to do what we do out of our norms, and comforts. One that causes us to struggle in giving because its something that we are not willing to. Going out of our way for people, for service and for building God's Kingdom. Die to thy self so that we will rise with him. By dying, we lose ourselves so that Jesus will rise in us. Only then can transformation take place. I am sure we are very familiar with this phrase but how many of us "die" in our daily lifes?

Now the challenge i pose for myself this that if i get too comfortable with my life and with the things i do then there must be something wrong with my spiritual life. Either i am not growing or i am complacent. Maybe then my faith has been one of convenience after all....

josh

A different experience of reconciling my relationship with JESUS

Should I sound incoherent or don't make sense at any time, it's cos I'm writing this at work (yes, i shouldn't be doing so but the reports are boring me to tears!) and I need to be chop chop so I can get back to work heh.

Firstly, PRAISE GOD for shepherding us in our journey as community!!! How clearly I remember the time when MSC was facing a time of uncertainty: when our brothers and sister left (physically) to further build God's kingdom, when our place in the parish seemed precarious and when we seemed directionless. How God has led us to eventually forming a core team today... God is truly faithful and amazing!

Secondly, I think this blog is a good avenue for deeper sharing in our cell! Personally, I don't like the new arrangement where we've sharings on Sun before/after/during session... Not very conducive cos many a times I just want to rush through it or worst still not have sharing so we can all leave earlier! N everyone's so busy... Meeting up on another day to have our sharing isn't as feasible as THIS! Haha...

Thirdly (this is what I wanna share about actually), after going for Penetential last night, I felt a deep sense of calm and peace, light-heartedness, and was also reminded of God's compassion and love for me. You see, I've always struggled with going to priests whom I know or know me for confession. Somehow I consciously feel that they'll judge me and see me in a different light cos of my sins. I know they don't and won't but it's my own perception and I can't really help it... So last night when we couldn't really choose who we wanted to go to and the priests hearing confessions on my side were Fr Luke and Fr Bryan, I couldn't help but feel less eager to go up. And as I was queuing up, I secretly hoped I would end up at 2 the other 2 priests. But of course, like in previous expreiences, I'll always end up with who I don't want to go to! N once again, it was Fr Luke... But I praise and thank God for that experience becos through Fr Luke, I was shown of how compassionate God is! I can't really explain it but yes, God forgives and doesn't look at you in a different light no matter how far away we stray from him or how grave our mistakes may be. In the simple things that Fr. said, I was once again invited to be different. To be different from what the world deems as right or ok... It has been a long time since reconciliation was something really impactful in my walk. N in the final days leading to our Lord's passion, I'm heartened simply by the fact that this Lent was meaningful. Meaningful becos he gave me the chance to experience that intimate reconciliation with Him! Even though I wasn't in the desert with Jesus the past 40 days, I'm conforted that this Lent didn't just pass me by...

Thank you Jesus! =)

Church and Us?

Hello everybody! This is my first post! How exciting! I just got back to Manchester from visiting ENL in Helsinki.

It was a brilliant trip, can check out the pics on my blog when i'm sufficiently un-lazified to do something substantial.

There was some drama involved (as with every trip anyone in community takes) and well.. my drama was rather costly. Another story for another time. : (

Anyway.

Being away from community and everything, it really just emerges how easy peasy it is to stray so so so far away from God! Sunday Mass doesn't seem to take an important place in my weekly schedule, and well, praying. Don't even talk about it.

I still remember telling Kenny Seah dun worry, nothing will happen one.. everything will be the same. But its quite interesting to look in the mirror, and realize, how much I've changed in terms of my attitude towards God.

Now in this Holy week, I feel such a great sense of regret and desire for reconcilliation (i have no idea why, and i think its strange). But i don't know how long will it last before I slip so easily and comfortably into the abyss of this self-proclaimed secular nation which abandoned God. Which I suspect could well be soon.

So as i journey, alone in this wilderness for the next 6 days, the final sprint, the final hike, and the final burst, pray for all those without support and are struggling alone wherever they are. Those who cannot be reached by the ailing grasp of the church, and those who are slipping away.

Lent for me.. will always be a painful reminder of our own human mortality built on the slender supplication of His salvation. What are we, without Him?

I crave chye tao kuey. someone tah pao for me. please?

Holy Week!

I can't believe its Holy Week already. I shared that I struggle to be indifferent to Lent, and Holy week is no different I mean, it comes every year doesn't it? And we're going to watch The Passion. Again. I admit I wasn't all that excited hearing about our Holy week plans.

I pick up on what Colin said, that he believed that every time we watch it, we gain new insights from it. I was reading a friend's blog about how he feels that time and memories are just moving in a flux, and if we don't grab on to them, we'll miss it.

This ancient greek dude called Herodotus once said: "No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man".

Are we ever the same person twice? Brings to mind the song "Who Am I":

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.

I pray I don't let Holy week pass me by without me challenging myself to grow deeper in love.

Melt.

the me within me

Today i have passed a comment that was totally uncalled for. I has i think back about it, i realised how insensitive and arrogant i am. Pride and self-righteousness are my greatest struggles and how hard I try to lost them, it remains in me. And i realise the more i get in touch in myself the more i realise how dirty and ugly i am inside of me. I try and try but they remain there. I dislike the loud, insensitive and uncompassionate joshua. I cant seem to lose them even as i try to offer them up to Jesus. Jesus help me!!!!!! i wanna abandon myself! Troubled, i pray that i may lose myself and find Jesus in me.

josh

Holiness is in living an ordinary life, in a community of fellow-disciples, with extraordinary love

This time tmr, MSC will officially have embarked on a new chapter of our community living. Many of us are still in some way or another unsure or hesitant of the way of life in community. For some we might have forgotten what it means to be living in community. For others, we are still very much in the introduction stage or trying to grapple with this new way of life. Whatever stage we are at right now, it really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because Jesus comes and take us where we are! Thats the beauty of our God!

And without this Jesus, nothing can sustain us, not even this new core team! The core team will still be another committee. Therefore it is only when each our us SEEDLINGS take God seriously in our lifes, no conversion can take place in our hearts! And this really calls for a life of holiness that we all are called to seek!

Right now it really scares me how tough it is to be Holy. I know that with God's strength it is never impossible. But God's graces can only take place if we response to it. Today, i it really dawned unto me that i really need Jesus, and i really need to pray! Cos the moment i lose sight of him, i begin to compromise and every little bit, i allow myself to fall into sin. Bit by bit, little by little, i have compromise a big part of me. And after time i begin to lose every part of myself. Thats exactly what is happening to the world today, and very evident in MSC too. Brothers and sisters be constantly on your toes for you will not know the hour when the theft will come and steal from you.

josh