Remembering what comes first.

Hello all!

Just returned from Maundy Thursday mass at church. It was a starkingly haunting and beautiful mass.

During Gloria acclamation, when the bells rung out, it felt so much like SFX when I had my eyes closed.. It was so strange.. I felt sooooooooooo home sick when that happened.. It was a terror. I thought I was going to die of homesickness. : (

Throughout mass, I couldn't help but think how evil my Lent has been.. Broken my abstinence, missed mass, whatever you can think of.. I probably did it (Ok. maybe not so bad). I felt really horrible thinking of how I have failed Jesus, and how I was such a failure in being a Catholic. Everything that has got to do with my spiritual life wasn't exactly going right.

Then, during Homily, Fr Ray spoke about the lenten season, on how this period is for us to renew our Baptismal vows, and remind ourselves of our connection with Christ.. THat this being the Jewish New Year (Passover), it should be ours too, to renew our faith in Christ, and also to rejuvenate ourselves for the coming year.

There and then, it was obvious that it was a call to throw embrace my faults and learn from them. How I turned away when I was called, how I so easily forgot the importance of it all. It was pretty surreal.

Then after Mass, when we had the exposition at the Altar of repose, I went over to kneel and pray. When i closed my eyes, I swear it felt as if I was back in SFX, exactly as it was 1 year ago. It was so strange. My back started aching like hell, it was going crazy with pain, just like it was 1 year ago. I couldn't concentrate while praying, and it was horrible. I closed my eyes, and very very strangely, I felt as if I had Jeannette sitting to my right, and Betty on my left, exactly as it was 1 year ago.. I couldn't pray, and I also couldn't cry. All I had was pain.

Then 6 words came. Be Still, and know that I'm there.

You tell me how to not cry.

I have a strong feeling its going to be a great easter.

My back still hurts like mad, and i've decided to go see a doctor on monday (finally!).